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 Critique please

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AuthorMessage
Freakonapeach



Number of posts: 2461
Age: 17
Location: Soapbox house of cards and glass, So don't go tossin' your stones around
Registration date: 2008-11-28

PostSubject: Critique please   Sun Aug 30, 2009 3:28 pm

Preface
After so many years of watching humanities struggle with…well, itself. I have come to realize that humanity is nothing but an overgrown heard of cattle, and we are the herd’s keepers. If you do not believe me—set aside some time to wander around your town, city, or whatever.
Just watch them as we would.
Prologue
I never was really one for social interaction, as a teen at least… well maybe still today. I was the “golden child” of my family, but with the shoes I was filling, Hitler could have been the “Golden Child.” My siblings were a bit rambunctious… maybe that’s not the best word, malicious? Corrupted? The Devil-incarnate? Let’s just say they weren’t the best people.
My brother was—and still is—the basic stereotype for a computer nerd. I remember walking past his room as the techno music blared. He was about as sociable as a rabid, mistreated, undernourished pit-bull, and wouldn’t even know where to start with his criminal record.
My sister was the polar opposite—she was an A+ student for most of her school life, she was a nice, calm-voiced preppy girl whose favorite things to do—Shop, gossip, and party. But once she reached High School things changed a bit, I don’t know exactly what happened—I’m guessing drugs and drinking—but she dropped her peaceful temperament—and out dropped out of school—becoming a bigot, out-lashing at every little thing our parents said to her.
Then you have me, I don’t really know where to start with me. I spent most of my life listening to my parents yell at my siblings, spending most of my time outside until I reached the age of 12, and got my first video game console. And which point I figured, “Hey, why pay attention to the real world, which seems cruel and abusive, when I can play a stupid fire breathing dragon and beat up some snowmen.”
This new virtual world captivated me beyond all means, I would spend hours at hand down in our basement, just playing games, as tensions continued to rise with my parents and siblings. I was unaware that, by the time I was 13, my brother had been sent to jail, my sister had run away from home, and my father had developed a serious back problem.
Around the time I hit High School, I became bored with my vicarious life. I decided to join a school club; it wasn’t one of those hip clubs, like the chess club or the math team. No, it was the book club and First book being discussed, Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
I had never really believed in ghosts, demons and ghouls, or Bigfoot, UFO’s and the Loch Ness Monster. I mean sure I would joke around with my friends about “seeing the Grays” last night, or how my father was Bigfoot. Anyway, I’ll explain the rest of this story later on.


Quiet Interest
It all started when I moved from New Hampshire to a little Podunk town in southwestern Ohio, a seemingly insignificant college town, nestled in the Miami Valley. The primary attraction of this town was obviously education, with their “Gold Star” High School, and the university that took over nearly three-fourths of the town. The main street of the town was host to a variety of bars, restaurants, more bars, and gas stations.
Now when I moved to Oxford, I was only eighteen years old, and at that point in my life I was—sadly—still a virgin. Every girlfriend I’d had up until that point had pulled away from my advances, broken up with me, or used the “I want to wait until we’re married.” Of course, since I had never gotten any, I didn’t know what I was missing, and of course, my devirginized friends would constantly poke fun at me. But I really didn’t care, at the time. But anyway, I digress.
The reason I moved to Oxford in the first place was to further my education. However, after being drafted into a draft party, and pretty much blacking out for the first six months I was there. I think it’s pretty safe to say my reasons changed from education to partying.
This of course upset my investors, AKA my parents, who were dishing out 24k for my tuition, and another 2k for my boarding and basic necessities. I’m sure now, if they had the chance; they would go back and tell me exactly what the “Basic Necessities” were seeing as their concept of “Basic Necessities” is vastly different from my concept. Their concept consisted of: Food, Rent, and small portion for extra activities. My idea however, consisted of Beer, three-dollar TV dinners, and party supplies.
I remember waking up one morning; surrounded by the smell of stale beer, pot and sex. My vision was blurry, and my stomach was churning, lurching up my throat. I stumbled over the incapacitated bodies, kicking someone in the side as I searched for the bathroom, or a trash can, or anything. Eventually, unable to hold the contents of my stomach any longer, I buckled over and vomited all over someone’s sports jersey.
After I collected myself, I stumbled out of the house and wandered around campus for a while; a dull throbbing pain in my head, my eyes feeling like dust bowls; every time I blinked I felt sand paper blankets cover already desaturated. Eventually I made my way Uptown (yes, Up, The locals insist its uptown), and into the local Starbucks.
It was empty, with the exception of a single employee standing patiently at the counter. My nose was instantaneously overwhelmed by the scent of coffee beans as I approached the counter, the cashier? Waitress? Whatever the hell you wanna call them. She caught my attention. She was gorgeous, albeit she seemed underaged, but gorgeous none-the-less.
She looked at me with stunning green eyes as she tucked her silky brown hair underneath the company hat.
“Welcome to Starbucks, what can I getcha?” her voice matched her beauty. Maybe I was wrong, she sounds older than I initially thought. Plus what kinda teenager would be up at the crack of down to work at Starbucks?
“Um..” I stuttered for a moment, I never really had a problem ordering, with the exception of Starbucks with its twenty thousand different variations of the same drink. I could get a frappuccino, an espresso, tea, a twenty dollar bottle of tap water, orange juice, or just coffee.
My ordering problem was only further complicated by the gorgeous girl patiently waiting for my half-dead-STOP TYPING CUSSWORDS! to place its order. After a dramatically long pause, I finally decided that I’d just get a cup of black coffee. When she came back with the steaming cup of java, I smiled at her.
My still-awakening brain started to play a little… soap opera.
---
“Thank you,” I would have said, as I reached out, letting my fingers gently touch hers as I grab the coffee, after a brief moment of silence I would ask, “So what’s your name?”
She would’ve look at me for a moment, like I was complete and total idiot, before pointing down at her name tag, shaking her head, and rolling her eyes.
“Well Sarah, seeing as it’s just me and you in here right now, and business seems to be a bit slow… would you care to join me for a cup of coffee?” I think I should mention at this point that, for some odd reason, I have a British accent in my own mind.
She would laugh slightly and agree to sit down and have a little chat while I sip on my coffee. I would manage to get her phone number and a kiss on the cheek, before a middle-aged balding man limps in with a cane.
I would watch her walk away from me. Well when I say watch her, I mean watch her STOP TYPING CUSSWORDS!.
---

Of course, it didn’t play out like that.
I reached out and grabbed the coffee, smiling at her before slipping her a ten dollar bill. Colliding with an elderly man as I exit into the street; Falling flat on my STOP TYPING CUSSWORDS!, as the Starbucks door slams me in the head and spilling my coffee all over myself.
“My bad.” I said, pushing myself off the ground before offering the elderly gentlemen a hand.
“Damn straight it’s your fault.” He said in a crisp voice, shrugging off my offer of help. He got himself up off the ground. He stared me down with a glazy right eye, and a face wrinkled and battered from a never ending battle with time.
“You better watch where you’re going next time.”
I don’t know what it was about the man that threw me off. He just didn’t seem to fit in with this town, he was dressed in a black and red robe, and he steadied himself with an old dark oak cane — if you could even call it that.
“I said I’m sorry.” I replied, dusting myself off.
“Sorry doesn’t fix every little problem.” He said in the most menacing animalistic hiss, and I, taken aback by this feeble old man’s sudden maliciousness. He huffed passed me and into Starbucks. I stood there for a moment, soaking wet and with a welt beginning to form on the back of my head.
I turned around and walked back into the store, “Do you guys have a bathroom?” I was already pretty embarrassed, and now as I stood here, in front of the gorgeous Sarah, and the spiteful old man. Sarah muffled her laughter slightly before pointing to the back of the store.
After drying and cleaning myself up, I returned to the lobby or whatever the hell you want to call it. The old man was now sitting in the front of the store with two new acquaintances; a younger man, maybe a decade older than me, and a middle aged woman. All three of them were dressed exactly the same.
I ordered another cup of coffee and sat near at an opposing table.
“I have a good feeling about this batch of new students.” The older man said.
“As do I,” said the woman her voice both smooth and ragged, “They are completely blind to the world around them. It’s only a matter of time.”
I probably should have left right then, but they had tickled my fancy. I watched intently as they continued their conversation. They slowly began to dip into whispers, allowing me only snippets of their conversation;
“The police won’t be a problem at all...” the older gentleman said, quickly glancing up at me before focusing back on the others. I shifted uncomfortably as the younger man looked at me; he smirked at me, turned back to the others, and whispered something. He stood up and walked over to me.
“Is this seat taken?” he asked, pulling back one of the chairs, the smirk still plastered on his face.
“Um… no. go ahead.” I said, feeling extremely uncomfortable.
“My colleague would like to apologize for your little encounter earlier.” He said, I felt as though he was lying, but his voice seemed to void that point, “You see, he is not the most… friendly being.”
“I can understand that.” I took another sip of my coffee, scolding my tongue, “Do you mind if I ask you what exactly you were talking about?”
“You may ask that. But I’m not going to justify it with an answer.” Behind him, the middle aged woman shuffled to her feet, walking over and whispering something in his ear before sitting down with us.
“I think this one would be a good subject. Don’t you think so Tomas?” she said, looking at the younger man.
“Well, I’m not how good he would be, Lauren,” The younger man, Tomas, Said, “But I do believe he’d be good for the first batch.” Tomas said, still smirking at me. He was soon joined in the smirking game by the middle aged woman, or Lauren. They were completely ignoring me, and yet paying close attention to me as they continued their little conversation.
I turned my back to see the third member of their group, the Older Gentleman, chatting with Sarah. He had her giggling and flirting with him. Part of me was jealous, the other part completely repulsed by the thought of this out-of-date man getting anywhere with her.
I turned back around to Tomas and Lauren.
“Well it doesn’t really matter now, does it?” Lauren said, “He would be a witness to what we had planned in the first place.”
Tomas nodded.
My heart began to pound, I turned back to the counter to see the Older Gentleman luring Sarah away from her position, he was talking quietly to her as he smirked and took her hand. I could almost taste my own fear. I stood up, “I’ve gotta go.” I said, taking a step towards the door.
“I’m sorry my dear boy.” Lauren said.
“You won’t be leaving…” Tomas said, almost finishing Laurens sentence. I heard a loud crack, spinning my head around to see Sarah lying lifeless on the floor. I thought for sure I would have bruises where my heart pounded against my chest. Not that that really mattered. I was going to die.
I took another step towards the door before feeling massive amounts of pain spreading up my back. My vision faded, I felt myself fall flat on the floor, and then, nothing.

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