Does anybody have poems that they want to have critiqued???

Put them here and leave comments for other people!!

I've got a few but I'll Post them sepratley. I apologize in advance for my errors. Heres the first one.

Stories From The (Paper) Heart


They said
“The trap is set
Oh yeah you know id bet that the first one to fall for it
Will be a broken hearted songbook writin’ baby girl”
And whoa// here she comes
Walkin down the street
Singing along to the voices screaming in her head
But hey///
What’s this?
Her heart is black from the love she’s never had
Her hands are numb from the hands she’s never held
Hey it’s your call
Do you want to hurt her more?
Sometimes heartbroken heartbreakers break the hearts of the already heartbroken
Before they wake up and realize
They’re hearts have got a few cracks
Before they wake up and realize
They’re hearts have also been snapped
Then they wonder
“How the hell did I get into this crap?”
HEY! Stop getting off the subject please
This-girl-she-spends-time
Folding paper hearts
One-to-replace-every heart that she has lost
“Lets-make-her-fold one more
I’m pretty sure it shouldn’t hurt”
“She’s used to it”
You say. But ask yourself this,
Are you?
Now don’t go assuming, you never know what’s really going on
Hey its your call
Do you want to be the cause of her pain?

And another....

Don’t you Dare

Here we are
Waiting to screw up once again
Were like a time bomb waiting to be reset
Waiting to see love dead
Baby how dare you
How dare you be the reason for my existence?
How dare you be the only drug that I find addicting?
Baby don’t you dare
Do this to me
Please don’t turn into my one and only
Because if you do
I won’t be able to…….
To forget how much I love you
Baby don’t you dare tell me just how much you need me
Honey I don’t want to hear you
I’m afraid of loving you more than I already do
Please don’t tell me just how much you love me
Because I don’t deserve you

And yet another....

Why Doesn’t Love Come With an Instruction Manual?

We’ll start by listing the ways love hurts
But Don’t contradict me you’ll make things worse
It tears your hearts to pieces
It makes you wish for death
Bet hey//
It sure is worth all of this pain
And hey
You are the cause of all my pain
Chorus: Sweet pain sweet pain
On a lovely sunny day
Sweet, sweet, sweet pain
When we’re walking in the rain
I want this pain
And I just can’t stay away
Lead: From you
Chorus: Sweet pain
Lead: But I just can’t stay away
Oh I need you to give me all your pain
I need you to be what hurts me the most
You’re the cause of all my pain
All my sweet and lovely pain
From which I just can’t stay away
But hey
You know I love you anyways

um wow
i am not going to post any of mine
they would pale in comparison ^^

Hey sorry about hogging all the space guys. Maybe I'll post some more later.

Awww come on Madlenkadoll dont leave me hangin! I'm sure yours are much better.

yeah right
nothing compared to that

Oh but I'd love to read it anyway. You know I'll bother you until you show me some writting!

yeah right i am not a good poet
I am more of a short story girl you know?

I'm still gonna read something of eventually if its the last thing I do! *insert evil laugh*

*evil laughs back* yeah right.

Oh dont even get me started! THIS MEANS WAR!!! I will not cease until I read something you wrote!!!

^^
keep dreaming, dollface

*GASP* No matter how long it takes I WILL WIN!!!!! xD

Here, I will add one of mine so Bellatrix isn't alone. Then maybe madlenka will add one of hers And just a warning, this isn't one of my best ones, just my newest.


Creatures of Night

Running in the midst of night
Hunting prey in darkness
Silver, their deathly kryptonite
Only their forefathers hold the pentagram

Traveling with the full moon’s light
Usually walking amongst us
Come dusk, a horrid sight
A strange curse passed down for ages

Dashing through the forest in flight
Howling to the stars
Possibly with a fatal fight
A winner, the leader of the pack