Things that would never be said in Twilight and/or New Moon

lol... it does doesn't it

Edward: LET ME SEE
Jasper; ME FIRST
*******************
Alice: they boyz are gann look at venessa naked
Bella: Emmett found it didn't he??
Rosalie: who else?/
Alice: u want them to see it or should we barg in right before??
Bella: i think the 2nd choice is more fun how bout u rose?
Rosalie: yah! y not!!
**************************

Bella: 1.. 2.. 3.. CHARGE!

*Edward is holding the pic then it flies out of his hands*
Edward: AHH! Bella... Uh.... What are you boys doing looking at such filth!
Rosalie: Yeah, right, like you weren't looking!
Emmett: I like the way she's looking at me!
Jasper: Dude... I just noticed... That's not Vanessa Hudgens...
Alice: OMG ITS ESME! EWWWW!!!!! SO THAT's WHY SHE DIDN'T LET US KNOW WHAT SHE WAS GIVING CARLISLE FOR THEIR ANNIVERSARY!!!! EWWW!!!
Edward: Oh, God! Bella, SHIELD ME!!!
Emmett: I still like the way she's lookin at me....
*Everyone takes a step away from Emmett*
Everone:
Bella: Um........ Ok well......Uhh....Edward, let's uhh........leave....


I know it isn't that good but I'm a newb and i don't know much. lol.....

Bella: No they're gunna fall in love! and get married! And have children! and it's all your fautl!
Alice: You said you were ok with it!
Bella: YOU SAID SHE WAS BALD!
Alice: Was! Was Was Was Was Was!
Bella: Go break 'em up or something! Go in and shave her head! You owe me a bald girl!

ix3edward..... u are amazing..... i was actually LOL.....

Emmett: HEY ESME.... can u come here for a sec???
Esme: wat's up?
Emmett: i just wanted to say.... i love the way u look at me
Jasper: DUDE.... that is SOOOOOOO GROSS
Emmett: hey... it was ur fault..... how could u mix the 2?
Jasper: um... well......
Alice: OMFG............. U DID IT ON PUROSE

Bella: Edward, wtf are you doing in my *hic* room?
Edward: I'm always in your room at night...
Bella: Well, I DONT DESERVE TO BE CONSCIOUS RIGH' NOahhww....

--thats from George Lopez lol--

*bella passes out*
Edward: It happens when i kiss you AND when you're drunk? what the hell is wrong with you woman???
*edward flips his hair and jumps out the window and thinks he can fly*
Edward: Ouwwwchy......*hic* You'll pay for this bellaaaa....what's your last name again?
*charlie comes out the door and starts doing the mexican hat dance around edward*
Charlie: HAHA!!! *shoots edward*
Edward: Uhh....*hic* bye...POOF!! *hides behind a bush*
*charlie goes into hysterics*
Charlie: I shoulda never had that sex change.....BUAHAAHAHAHAHA!!

lol....sorry i know its stupid but i just had to put it on here...

Emmett: they always wish you a merry Christmas, but never a happy Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. Why is that?

Edward: becasue they are religinalists........ DAMN THEm
Alice: lets go fight for the JEWS
Edward: YES.... are u with us???
Bella: um......

Bella: Well duh! Hey Emmett, did u know your name means truth in hebrew

Emmett: Sweet-ness!!
****************

Edward: What happened at the beach?

Emmett: That's between us and the sea!

Bella: come on... emmett... u know u wanna tell me
Emmett: ok Bella... but only u.... cause i know i can trust u
Edward: u know i can find out later
Emmett: yea right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: Dear Mom,
nothing much is going on around here... besides that fact that Angela is a witch. Yup, she killed Lauren and Jessica, then the whole school had a celebration. It was awesome, there was beer and pizza. Somebody even turned on the football game. Let me tall ye, Emmett was having the time of his life. After that Edward and I went out to get have a quiet dinner, at La Bella Italia. Did you know Edward and I went there on our first date?
Anyways, we went back to his house and we saw Rosalie dancing around in a moldy cheese costume. Other then that, it was a pretty normal day. Oh, and Edward's half bald do to and experiment Alice wanted to do.
Love, Bella

Edward: I'm not half bald! Are you really going to send that?

Bella: I want my mom the think i'm at least having a little fun. -.- '

Edward_Luver wrote:

ix3edward..... u are amazing..... i was actually LOL.....

omg thanks!! lol.

Bella: Edward... wanna go kill Alice? I think I heard her trying to cut herself the other day... She seems depressed.

Alice: Jasper, have you found the chainsaw YET??

Edward: WTF IS UP WITH THIS FAMILY???

**********************************
Backward Bella: Hey Edward, you wanna be a vampire? I am!!! Can you tell? HUH HUH HUH? If you haven't noticed I'm also part labrador retrievor? DID YOU SEE THAT? I BLINKED? MUAHHAA HEEH!!!
Backward Edward: Yeah I would love to be a vampire, Bella. BUT NO MORE DIET COKE FOR YOU!

ur welcome......

Bella: edward i love you
Edward: i love you too.....
Bella: no i REALLY LOVE YOU
Edward: NO BELLA!!!!!!!!!!!! u had enought diet coke!!!!!!!!
Bella: AWWWWWWWWW COME ON

lol

Edward: I dunno, it's just really uncomfortable.
Emmett: Well, you could rub something that smells really bad on your butt, and when your boss goes to slap it, his hand'll smell!
Edward: ...
Emmett: Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell? hmm...
Edward: *to Jasper* What if Emmett was president?


heh... friends...

oh dear

Jasper: well.... we'd all be dead
Bella: U CAN'T DIE
Jasper: with emmett as prez.... we'd prob want too

Charlie: I'm sorry, I just don't see you as a 'mom' figure.
Esme: What are you talking about? I'm a fabulous mom! I brought all my sons their first condoms.
Edward: And then they burst into flames!

Bella: Hey Eddie, babe, guess what! I'm gonna be a movie star!
Edward: *watching football with charlie* yeah...you do that...
Bella: Are you listening? I'm going to be in a play!
Edward: Shh ShhShh....TOUCHDOWN!!! *butts heads with charlie* YEAH!!! WOOO! *charlie goes unconcious*
Bella: Psh...Fine...Ima go make out with Jacob....
Edward: YEAH WERE # 1! WERE # 1!

*************************************
*Bellas putting on the play*
Bella: Ehemm... Our story begins at the popular undersea eatery, the Krusty Krab, where spongebob....
Edward: What's Bella doing?
Jasper: She's the narrator in Spongebob the Musical.
Edward: SINCE WHEN??
Alice: Since you got interested in football.
*********************
Bella: Eddie, babe! Did you like the show?
Edward: I thought it was a piece of crap. You kept tripping and like I said before when I stayed at your house for the first time, you're a TERRIBLE ACTRESS!!
*bella runs off screaming for jacob*
Edward: It's about time she was scared of me.
*The cullens roll their eyes*

lol
that was hysterical

Carlisle: Who the hell is McDreamy?
Head Resident (female): Me, I'm McDreamy. i'm tall, handsome and i like to lean against things... I'm trying to run a hospital here!

*gotta love Grey's Anatomy*

Rosalie: God, all this Halloween candy is making fat. How am i going to make it through New Years?

*************************

Jasper: lyke, omg bellz, i just love yer new boob job.

Bella: uh.... what job?

**********************

Emmett: THREEE!

Bella: Yes Emmett, that's a number. What comes after three?

Emmett: GIRLS!

Bella: ... you play football don't you?

Emmett: YEAH!!!

**********************

Edward:
Dear Diary,
It's lonely here in Forks. Sometimes, the only person i can turn to is Mister Snugglebaums. Sure, Emmett makes fun of me for still caring for what he calls a "stuffed skunk" but he doesn't know the half of it. Especially when Bella gets mad. She made me sleep on the couch for nearly a month. Ok... maybe i did steal a few pairs of her jeans... it's not my fault they look good on me.
God, Rosalie is soooo hormonal lately. She got mad because i stole one little tube of mascara. I was going to put it back! But oh no, she just went on and on about how not to go through her make up bag. God, it's not like i stool her Gucci eyeshadow, or her Parada lipstick. Anyways, i went into my room and cried.
Alice offered to take me and Jasper do see some band called I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness. Sounds pretty cool. We're all going to bring our blades and a bunch of booze and pot. It'll be awesome. I wonder if Bella'll come. I better go ask her. She doesn't seem to want to be seen with me lately. She says Emo boys are losers. Whatever, she's just jealous i look better then her in her jeans.
See you,
Edward

OMG u guys are so funny
more please

Eternity'sTime wrote:

Edward:
Dear Diary,
It's lonely here in Forks. Sometimes, the only person i can turn to is Mister Snugglebaums. Sure, Emmett makes fun of me for still caring for what he calls a "stuffed skunk" but he doesn't know the half of it. Especially when Bella gets mad. She made me sleep on the couch for nearly a month. Ok... maybe i did steal a few pairs of her jeans... it's not my fault they look good on me.
God, Rosalie is soooo hormonal lately. She got mad because i stole one little tube of mascara. I was going to put it back! But oh no, she just went on and on about how not to go through her make up bag. God, it's not like i stool her Gucci eyeshadow, or her Parada lipstick. Anyways, i went into my room and cried.
Alice offered to take me and Jasper do see some band called I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness. Sounds pretty cool. We're all going to bring our blades and a bunch of booze and pot. It'll be awesome. I wonder if Bella'll come. I better go ask her. She doesn't seem to want to be seen with me lately. She says Emo boys are losers. Whatever, she's just jealous i look better then her in her jeans.
See you,
Edward

omg, have you ever heard the song 'i must be emo' by Hollywood Undead?

Jacob: I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts...

(Lol yeah! the Emo Kid song!)

Bella: Edward, i can't be seen with you

Edward: what do you mean?

Bella: No, literally. You're smile... it's blinding...

*****************

Bella:
Dear Diary,
God, Edward's been sooooo annoying lately. He inturruped me when i was talking with Lauren and Jessica about Britney Spears to ask if i wanted to go get high and see some pathetic emo band. Can you say: "ew!" I was like: Loser, get away. and he was all: Bella! i love you! and i'm like: Psh, whatever loser, go buck a fluffalo. and he was all: Waaaahhh! Belly doesn't love meeeee!
It was so embarrasing. I can't belive he's gone like emo. He used to be so hott, too. I mean, once he started cutting himself it all went downhill from there. He even stole my jeans! And they were the ones Rose lent me! He has no respect for my clothes at all! It's depressing, really.
But he is still really sexy, just don't tell him i said that. Oh shiznit! Lauren's here. Dammit!
gotta go,
Belly-welly

that was hystarical

Bella: so edward, is our love like beauty and the beast?
edward: yea, and guess who the beast is

sorry but thats the song i was listening to

*****************************************
edward
dear diary,
Bella doesnt love me anymore. she was talking to her friends and told me to go away. i think im going to go find Mister Snugglebaums.
edward

Bella: Dear Diary,
I'm back! Anyways, Lauren's pregnant. And the worst part? The dad is coach Clapp. COACH CLAPP! God, could she be more pathetic? She is such a slut. I mean, i know she sleeps around, but with a teacher? Who's Balding? Ew. What was she, drunk? OH Ew, probably! That is one desperate chic. Anyways, i made up with Edward. Then we made out. Before Esme told us to get a room. Emmett was like, laughing his ass off, so i kicked him where the sun don't shine. He might not be able to have children now, but at least my problems are solved. I'd feel bad for the kids if he did get some lady pregnant. I'd feel bad for the lady too.
Well, i gotta go. Edward'll be out of the bathroom soon. God, it's like he's a girl. What the hell does he do in there? Paint a masterpiece?
Later,
Princess Bella

********************

Edward: Dear Diary,
I can't believe Bella. She acts like she hates me, and then the moment she wants something, she acts all sweet and innocent. It's sickening. It makes me want to like... cut myself. But i promised Dad i wouldn't. Cuz he's paranoid i'll like shot him. I hope he knows Bullets don't kill vamps. Anyways, Lauren's pregnant. Big whoop, we all knew it would happen. Who cares if it's Coach freakin Clapp. He's known to sleep around.
Bella says i'd be hotter if i lay off the emo thing and became a pimp. She thinks she's gunna get some tonight. As if! I mean really, if she wants to go all the way, she could at least treat me with respect. Seriously.
I gotta get back, she probably thinks i'm dying in here.
Love 4everz,
Eddiekinz.

OMC, ROFL!!!!

Bella: Eddie-kins, love the whol eye-mascara thing on you
Edward: thanks, Bella
Bella: I told you not to call me that! I am Princess Bella-who-is-better-and-way-hotter-than-anyone-else and- wait a minute, are those MY pants?
Edward: Maybe...but you have to agree, they look hot on me *does a model pose and begins to pretend he is on the catwalk*
Bella: I was going to make out with you but now...
Edward: Please???
Bella: well...okay!